Umm Brady..can you tell me why I froze last night??
I'm not sure when it happened, or for that matter why it happened, but it's happened. I've officially become that girl. That girl who is suddenly afraid to get in front of a group of people and walk around. Let me rewind a little so you can get the full picture. I've been a lifelong dancer. Danced in front of thousands of people. In high school I was emersed in student council, a varsity cheerleader, and part of the school dance company. I used to live for getting on a stage, cheering in front of bleachers, and giving speeches to my fellow students. I was not afraid.
Then in my adult career life, I used to work for a AA baseball team in Texas. My job was to go out into the crowd and recruit people to go down on the field and do silly things. I also had to get on top of the dugout and dance, throw t-shirts, and run around the field coordinating skits. I mean, I had no fear at one time.
So let me take you to the scene last night. It's the annual company Christmas dinner for my real estate company. I was told that afternoon that if I had an ugly sweater to wear it to the party because there would be prizes to be won. So I spent a couple hours going through my closet and getting ready. I mean I spent a lot of time getting dressed..I kept picturing myself walking in with my sweater and people liking it...I don't have any Christmas themed sweaters, but I do have this one F21 sweater that is less than friendly on the eyes. I decided to wear it and was excited about showing it off to everyone there.
We're a group of about 30 agents, plus our spouses, so walking into the low lit back room of the steakhouse I was a little intimidated about what I saw. A mass of people, most of which I hadn't met yet (because I don't work at the main office...I'm at a satellite office), and a lot of them in gaudy Christmas sweaters.
I immeadialty felt fear. For no reason at all. I just looked around and suddenly felt like my sweater wasn't good enough. Like I shouldn't even compete in the contest. JT and I sat down, ordered some wine and started munching on appetizers. I kept up the conversation with the people around us at our table and tried to put the fear out of my mind. But then when it was time to stand up with all the other sweater wear-ers to be judged..I just froze. I didn't even get out of my seat. I sat there, silently, as the other agents walked around the tables and showed off their ugly sweaters to try and get votes. I don't know if it's because I felt like mine wasn't "Christmasy" enough or what, but I just had this instinct to sit still and not move. What happened to me? I'm so afraid now to even stand up in a room and show off a dorky attire? What is that? I kept talking to myself saying "Get up..go walk around..Get up!!" And then it was too late. Everyone had already sat down and the rest of the crowd was voting.
The worst part was then I sat there for the rest of the night kicking myself for not participating. I am so mad at myself for just sitting there and not joining in on the fun. I've been thinking about it all morning. The way I acted last night, you wouldn't even know that I was a former dancer/cheerleader or even a contributing member of society.
I'm not sure when this switch went off in my brain to suddenly be a wall flower...but I don't like it. And last night I embarassed myself. So..cheers to another new years resolution. Don't be so afraid.